Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
