I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
