Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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