Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
