OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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