im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
