I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
