omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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