my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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