I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
