guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
