Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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