wrigley field is MILF paradise
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
