My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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