i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
