I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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