I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
