You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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