Four minutes until I can fart!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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