If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
