Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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