Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
