She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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