I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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