I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
