i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
