Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
