I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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