Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
