Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
