My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
