Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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