Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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