Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
