I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
