You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
