her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
