Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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