Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
