Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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