Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
