dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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