Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
