I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
