Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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