I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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