I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
