Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize