god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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