we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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