Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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