When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
