i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize