I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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